Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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