Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Jerry, you need to find god
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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