she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
