I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
