I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
