my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
