apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
