Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
