I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
