The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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