All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You need Xanax blowdarts
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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