It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
