That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
