i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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