i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I need to stop coming to work sober
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
