you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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