I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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