I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i out mim tonsoeep
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