Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
