A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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