My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
