OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
