The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
