i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
