I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dicks are not precious.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
