I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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