My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
