i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
