Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
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They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration