Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
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He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
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You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?