you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
