i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
