I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Houston, we have a blender
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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