there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize