Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
