next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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