Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
