If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
