Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
