You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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