Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
