We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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