Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
