haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
