Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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