Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
