So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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