I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
