We're facebook friends in real life
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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