Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
it was like having sex with a tree stump
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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