im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
