my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
