The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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