and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
