Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
