I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
