Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
