Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It's never too late to be topless.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
