If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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