we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
